Does Forgiveness Have a Dark Side?

Forgiveness is widely considered to be a psychologically healthy and morally virtuous approach to coping with victimization. Research suggests that people who forgive more easily are happier and healthier than those who hold grudges. In addition, forgiveness interventions have been shown to reduce stress reactivity, increase optimism, and facilitate reconciliation with offenders.

What Kinds of Support Are Most Supportive?

Numerous studies have demonstrated the critical importance of social support for physical and mental health. For example, one study showed that stressed middle-aged men with higher levels of available emotional support were significantly less likely to die over a 7-year period than those who lacked such support. Another study found that an absence of social support was a major predictor of depression.

In our everyday lives, we often have opportunities to provide support to friends, family members, or coworkers, but it can be hard to know how to do it in the most effective way. Research in social psychology has revealed some principles for giving good support that challenge common assumptions. Here are three of them.  

The Art of Constructive Self-Criticism

When we fail at something important to us, whether in relationships, at school, or at work, it can be very painful. These experiences can threaten the very core of who we think we are and who we want to be.

To cope with failure, we often turn to self-protective strategies. We rationalize what happened so that it places us in a more positive light, we blame other people, and we discount the importance of the event. These strategies may make us feel better about ourselves in the short term, but they are less likely to help us improve or avoid repeating our mistakes in the future. Research shows that people who have an overly inflated view of their performance on an academic task show decrements in subsequent motivation and performance, compared to people who view themselves more realistically. It makes sense: if you already think you're great, it may feel like there's no need to put the effort into improving yourself.

5 Ways Gratitude Can Backfire

Gratitude is good. Good for your health and well-being. Good for your relationships. In fact, I've written about the benefits of gratitude here, here, here, and here. But is gratitude always good? No. Although a focus on appreciating what you have instead of lamenting what you have-not is generally good advice, gratitude is not a panacea. Here are a few ways in which gratitude may be the wrong prescription:

1.       Overdosing on gratitude. When it comes to keeping track of your gratitude, the adage “more is better” doesn’t necessarily apply. If you set too high of a goal for your gratitude, you may find yourself falling short, which paradoxically could leave you feeling less grateful and happy than if you hadn’t tracked your gratitude at all. In a study of gratitude journaling, people who tracked their gratitude once per week were happier after six weeks, whereas those who wrote tracked their gratitude three times per week were not. If you find yourself hesitating when putting pen to paper, you may begin to think your life isn’t that good or you don’t have that much to be grateful for. If that is the case, take a step back and focus on quality over quantity.

To Have and To Thank: Gratitude Helps us Hold onto our Relationships

In honor of St. Valentine, today's post is the first in a two-part series on why gratitude may be a key ingredient in successful relationships. Today I talk about some of my own research on gratitude. Then on Wednesday I'll be back with a few tips for how to make sure you and your partner get the most out of your gratitude on Valentine's Day.

I had one goal when I started graduate school five years ago – to understand why some romantic relationships thrive while others fail. I also had one primary hypothesis – relationships fail when partners begin to take each other for granted. And I thought: if taking each other for granted is the poison, maybe gratitude is the antidote.

Back when I started, few people were talking about gratitude. Today it is everywhere, and for good reason. A decade of burgeoning research has highlighted the myriad benefits of gratitude for physical and mental well-being. And we've found that gratitude is good in large part because it helps us create and hold onto our close relationships.

In research by Sara Algoe and colleagues, grateful couples were more satisfied in their relationships and felt closer to each other  (see this post for the details of their findings). And in our research, we found that the more grateful participants were, the more likely they were to still be in their relationships nine months later.

What do I mean by gratitude? When I examine the role of gratitude in relationships, I’m not just looking at what happens when people say “thanks” after their partner takes out the trash. My definition of gratitude includes appreciating not just what your partner does, but who they are as a person. You’re not just thankful that your partner took out the trash—you’re thankful that you have a partner who is thoughtful enough to know you hate taking out the trash. Gratitude means thinking about all of your partner’s best traits and remembering why you got into a relationship with them in the first place.

But how does gratitude help couples? 

The secret to flourishing? Science says it's in the numbers

Flourishing is in the numbers

When it comes to human flourishing, science is getting pretty specific. Over the course of our daily lives, we have a variety of positive and negative experiences. And I think most of us would agree that we are likely to be happiest when we maximize the positive and minimize the negative. But researchers suggest that it is not just about having more positive and less negative in our lives – it is the ratio of positive to negative that matters.

So what is that magical ratio? At or above 3:1. Researchers Fredrickson and Losada tracked people’s daily experiences over the course of a month and found that people who are flourishing (as opposed to languishing) report experiencing at least three times as many positive emotions as negative emotions in their daily lives.

How to make time stand still

It often feels like there just aren't enough hours in the day to accomplish all the things we want to accomplish, let alone find a moment to relax. The demands of work and social life, combined with our basic needs for sleep, food, and exercise, can quickly add up and overflow, producing the sense that time is constantly slipping away and we're constantly running to catch up. Time may be limited, but it doesn't have to always feel that way. New research suggests that our state of mind can change the way we perceive and experience time, and in turn, make us happier and more giving.

When "He's Just Not That Into You" Backfires

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The popular self-help book He's Just Not That Into You: The No Excuses Truth To Understanding Guys is intended to empower women to stop waiting around for disinterested guys. The basic premise is that if a guy is interested, he will make it clear (e.g., ask you out, call you, propose to you, etc), and if he doesn't make it clear, then he's just not interested. There are certainly times when women and men alike need to be snapped out of wishful thinking and move on, but for some people and in some situations, this tough love approach may backfire. Here’s why.

When Good is Bad and Bad is Good: Beyond "Positive" Psychology

What is the prescription for optimal living? The burgeoning field of positive psychology appears to have many of the answers: We should be kind and caring to others, forgiving of transgressions, gracious and compassionate in our daily lives, and upbeat and optimistic about the future. Following this simple plan should keep us happy and healthy.  

But as with most things, it turns out that the answer might not be that simple. What’s good may not always be good, and what’s bad may not always be bad. Being kind and caring is a good thing – as long as the person you are kind and caring towards deserves your kindness. Being forgiving may produce contentment – except when the forgiver has no plans to make amends. Being optimistic about the future may keep your spirits up and help you feel happy – unless you are a gambler who believes the next bet will be the big one.

We have labeled certain traits and states “positive” and others “negative” but according to researchers Jim McNulty and Frank Fincham “psychological traits and processes are not inherently positive or negative; instead, whether psychological characteristics promote or undermine well-being depends on the context in which they operate.”

The Secret to Maintaining Sexual Desire?

How many pennies are in your jar?

Soon after I got engaged, a married friend told me about the Penny Game. In this game, a newlywed couple puts a penny in a jar each time they have sex during the first year of marriage. Then, starting the second year, the couple takes out a penny each time they have sex. Supposedly, the couple will never again have enough sex to empty the jar. This old wives' tale represents a commonly held belief that sexual desire declines over the course of a relationship. But is this true? And does it happen to everyone?

Sexual desire and sexual frequency do tend to decline over the course of a relationship. Several large-scale surveys have found evidence for this, and one study even found that the link between sexual frequency and relationship duration was stronger than the link between sexual frequency and age (Johnson et al., 1994). So young or old, sexual desire is likely to peak at the beginning of a new relationship and steadily decline from there.

But is that the end of the story? Once we enter into a long-term relationship, do we have to sit back and accept that our hottest days are behind us? According to recent research, not necessarily.

Neighborly Love: The Psychology of Mr. Rogers

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Mr. Rogers is undoubtedly one of the most beloved cultural icons in American history. His TV show, Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, ran for more than thirty years and inspired many generations of young viewers. Admittedly, I remember sometimes finding the show a little cheesy and slow-paced (I wanted to be watching Saved By The Bell or Full House instead). But there was also something comforting about Mr. Rogers' kind, gentle demeanor. When he looked at me and said, I like you just the way you are, I felt like he really meant it, even though he didn't actually know me. Mr. Rogers' message of unconditional acceptance is a simple one, but from a social psychological perspective it's more complicated than it might seem. As much as we extoll Mr. Rogers, most of us do little more than pay lip service to his ideals, despite our best intentions. So what's getting in the way?

Friday Fun: Four factors that keep your relationship fun

For years, psychologists tried to understand why relationships fail. They targeted dysfunction, focusing on factors like negative emotions and bad communication. But it turns out that not failing is not the same as succeeding when it comes to relationships. Couples who experience a lot of negative interactions are more likely to divorce in the first few years of marriage, but couples who don't experience a lot of positive affect are likely to divorce farther down the road. So how can we make sure our relationships thrive? Today, I'm going to tell you about four factors that may help.

You're never too old to have fun

1. Laugh and play together. Play isn't just for kids. Playfully teasing your partner can bring you closer together (remember, the key is to tease "playfully"!). Couples who laugh more are more satisfied in their relationships. Humor and laughter also seem to have a buffering effect - using humor during conflict can help you resolve the issue. So pick a comedy the next time you're choosing a movie for date night, come up with playful nicknames, and the next time that your partner says something that bothers you, try responding with a joke instead of getting defensive.

Is trust Jeremy Lin's secret weapon?

Vintage Linsanity, circa 2006 (source)

“It’s just us, being us, playing for us.” –Jeremy Lin

I’ve got a confession to make: I’ve caught the Linsanity along with everyone else. It’s only been two weeks, but in that time former Harvard point guard Jeremy Lin has transformed a failed Knicks season into the most compelling storyline in the NBA. And make no mistake, Jeremy Lin is at the very center of this transformation.

But what is it about Lin that has transformed the Knicks’ season? An astute statistician might say it is his on-court production: Lin has been scoring, hustling, dealing out assists, navigating the pick-and-roll, and hitting open shots better than any Knick point guard since, well, since I can remember. That is definitely part of the equation. But a single player does not make an effective basketball team. When I watch the Knicks these days, I see something else about Jeremy Lin that makes me believe that his influence goes beyond simple numbers: His teammates trust him.

Can your phone cure depression?

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After years of resistance to the smartphone craze, I reluctantly accepted an iphone as a gift last month. I instantly fell in love.

Aside from the obvious convenience of having constant access to email, what I really love are the apps. I love that I can check bus schedules, look up recipes on the go, and take vintage-y looking pictures (thanks Maya!). But as a psychologist, I'm especially excited by the idea that apps can be used in the service of mental health and well-being.

For example:

The probability of your existence: Basically zero

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At some point after first learning about the birds and the bees as a child (possibly after watching the opening credits of Look Who's Talking or thinking too hard about the implications of Back to the Future), it occurred to me that I could have easily been someone else. Had my parents not happened to meet when they did, and happened to conceive at the moment they did, with a specific pair of egg and sperm, I wouldn't be here. Apart from being a minor existential crisis, this realization made me feel incredibly lucky. Out of an infinite number of possible people, I was one of those who got a chance at life.

I recently came across a lovely (if statistically questionable) visual demonstration of one person's attempt to approximate the odds that each of us came into the world and exist as we are today. It incorporates probabilities ranging from our parents' first encounter to our unbroken line of ancestors to the emergence of the first single celled organism, concluding with the following analogy: The probably that we as unique individuals came to be is equivalent to "the probability of 2 million people getting together each to play a game of dice with trillion-sided die. They each roll the dice, and they all come up with the exact same number - for example, 550, 343, 279, 001. The odds that you exist at all are basically zero."

It's good to give thanks: The benefits of gratitude

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When someone does something nice for you, how does it make you feel? Do you experience gratitude in response to their act of kindness? Or does it leave you with a sense of indebtedness because now you owe them a kind act in return? Close relationships, and romantic relationships in particular, are characterized by the small acts of kindness we do for each other. Today you will be doing the dishes, paying for dinner, or taking out the trash, and tomorrow he will be taking you to the airport, putting gas in the car, or buying the groceries. Many of these small acts become so commonplace in relationships that they go unnoticed (how often do you thank your partner for taking out the trash, washing your dishes, or picking up the groceries, especially if it's become their "job"?). However, when you do notice those small acts, and feel grateful for your partner’s thoughtful behaviors, research shows that both you and your partner benefit.

Making the most of it when your partner shares good news

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A job offer. A great haircut. A promotion. A good visit with an old friend. An award recognizing your effort. A great comeback to a mean coworker. Good things happen to us, and when we share them with others, those good things can feel even better. But recent research suggests that how much better we feel depends on how people respond to our good news. Last week I focused on what not to do when things go wrong in our relationships, and this week I want to talk about what to do when things go right for the people closest to us. 

People’s responses to another person’s good news can be divided into four categories along two dimensions (active-passive and constructive-destructive). For example, imagine that William comes home to tell Kate he got a promotion in the Royal Air Force. An active-constructive response from Kate would be enthusiastic support, something like “Wow, honey, that is so great! I knew you could do it, you’ve been working so hard and this just shows you can do anything!” A passive-constructive response from her would be understated support, such as a warm smile with a simple “That’s good news.” An active-destructive response from Kate would be some sort of statement that demeaned the event such as “Does this mean you are going to be gone working even longer hours now? Are you sure you can handle it? Do you think they just gave this to you because of who you are?” And finally, a passive-destructive response from Kate would ignore William’s good news, such as “Oh really? Well you won’t believe what happened to me today while I was out shopping!” So why do these responses to good events matter?

Science and The Secret: Can beliefs create reality?

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A few years ago a book and film called The Secret took the country by storm, partly thanks to Oprah's glowing endorsement. Its central principle, and that of the 2010 sequel The Power, is the law of attraction, the idea that "like attracts like"- negative thoughts attract negative events, and positive thoughts attract positive events. The Secret takes the power of positive thinking to an extreme. If you want a particular job, it's not enough to just be optimistic about your chances of success - you have to believe that you already have the job and act as if it's already yours. Go buy new work clothes, restructure your schedule around the job, and prepare yourself mentally for your new life.

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Although The Secret purports to be rooted in science, many of its claims are controversial - not only because they reinforce a blame-the-victim mentality, but because they rely heavily on pseudo-science, such as the idea that quantum physics is the operating mechanism behind the law of attraction. 

Still, certain elements of The Secret do have some scientific credibility, though not necessarily the kind the authors had in mind...

Rolling with the punches: The psychology of resilience

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A year ago Ryan Westmoreland was a top Red Sox prospect just out of high school and on the verge of a major league career (scouts were comparing him to Mickey Mantle), when out of nowhere he started experiencing troubling symptoms. He soon learned that he had a sizable cavernous malformation in his brainstem, a condition that without surgery would likely kill him. The surgery, however, carried with it multiple risks of its own, including death, coma, and paralysis. His dreams of playing professional baseball unravelling before him, he knew that he would be lucky just to make it through the surgery alive.

Ryan did survive the surgery, and since then has undergone grueling rehabilitation, relearning everything from walking to tying his shoes. The road back to some semblance of normalcy has been challenging, but he has forged ahead with determination, making remarkable progress. He attended Spring Training this season, putting in countless hours of batting practice in addition to a full schedule of physical therapy. Although he still struggles with fine motor skills, his hitting ability seems to be coming back, and he has not given up on his dream to one day play for the Red Sox.

It's hard not to be in awe of Ryan. He's lived through a nightmare no nineteen year old should ever have to face, and yet he doesn't wallow in self-pity or bitterness. He works excruciatingly hard every day even though there is no guarantee that his efforts will be successful. We have a lot to learn from Ryan and people like him who face adversity with resilience and courage.

What does psychological research tell us about how we can become more resilient?

It could have been me: Why a near miss feels so good

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On February 12th, 2009 a plane bound for Buffalo, New York crashed into a house killing all 49 people aboard the plane, as well as one person on the ground. In the days following the crash, pictures of the wreckage and stories of the people who had died filled the airwaves. Among these stories of tragedy was a story of reflection and appreciation –bad weather and a missed connection prevented David Becony from boarding that Buffalo-bound plane and when news of the crash aired, he broke down, unable to believe how lucky he was. His wife of seventeen years told reporters that she couldn’t imagine life without him; but, for a few minutes, she had been forced to imagine the unimaginable. He and his family, while sad for the loss of others, felt happiness, relief and a greater appreciation for each other.   

Why did this near miss make Becony and his loved ones feel so good?

Reflecting on a loss or a near miss helps us appreciate what we have in our lives. In the classic movie “It’s a Wonderful Life,” George Bailey had to see a world without him in it in order to appreciate all the wonders in his life. Although most of us haven’t missed a flight that ended up crashing, or had an angel help us see our wonderful lives, we have passed a car crash on the road and realized how easily it could have been us or heard about someone who was diagnosed with cancer and had a moment of thanks that we were healthy. Even something as trivial as thinking we’ve forgotten our keys, only to find them in a different pocket of our bag, can elicit a sense of relief and appreciation.