I had one
goal when I started graduate school five years ago – to understand why some romantic
relationships thrive while others fail. I also had one primary hypothesis –
relationships fail when partners begin to take each other for granted. And I
thought: if taking each other for granted is the poison, maybe gratitude is the
antidote.
Back when I
started, few people were talking about gratitude. Today it is everywhere, and
for good reason. A decade of burgeoning research has highlighted the myriad
benefits of gratitude for physical and mental well-being. And we've found that gratitude
is good in large part because it helps us create and hold onto our close
relationships.
In research by Sara Algoe and colleagues, grateful couples
were more satisfied in their relationships and felt closer to each other (see this post for the details of their findings). And
in our research, we found that the more grateful participants were, the
more likely they were to still be in their relationships nine months later.
What do I mean by gratitude? When I examine
the role of gratitude in relationships, I’m not just looking at what happens
when people say “thanks” after their partner takes out the trash. My definition
of gratitude includes appreciating not just what your partner does, but who
they are as a person. You’re not just thankful that your partner took out the
trash—you’re thankful that you have a partner who is thoughtful enough to know
you hate taking out the trash. Gratitude
means thinking about all of your partner’s best traits and remembering why you
got into a relationship with them in the first place.
But how does gratitude help couples?
Along
with several colleagues, I recently published a series of studies exploring
this question. We found that gratitude can help relationships thrive by promoting
a cycle of generosity. That is, that one partner’s gratitude can prompt both
partners to think and act in ways that help them signal gratitude to each other
and promote a desire to hold onto their relationships. So how exactly does this cycle work?
Feel more grateful –> Want to hold
onto your relationship
This part of
the process is very simple: Moments of gratitude help people recognize the
value in their partners and a valuable partner is a partner worth holding onto.
We found this to be true in a number of studies – on days when people feel more
appreciative of their partners than typical, they also report increased
feelings of commitment to their relationships. And the benefits of gratitude
are not just in daily life – the more grateful people are at the beginning of
the study, the more committed they are nine months later. So it seems that
feelings of gratitude are associated with a psychological motivation to
maintain the relationship.
 |
| Expressing gratitude |
Feel more grateful -> Work to hold
onto your relationship
In addition
to being more psychologically motivated to hold onto a relationship,
experiences of gratitude also appear to promote behaviors that will help people
hold onto their relationships. In one study, we found that people reported
being more thoughtful and responsive to their partners needs on days when they
felt more grateful for their partners. In another study we brought couples into
the lab and had them talk about important topics in their relationships.
Participants who were more grateful for their partners were observed as being
more caring and attentive listeners to their partners during these discussions.
A plethora of research has shown that being a more thoughtful and attentive
partner is key for promoting intimacy in relationships, and these findings
suggest that gratitude might help people gain and maintain that intimacy.
Work to
maintain relationship -> Partner feels more appreciated
This is
where the good stuff happens. Recognizing you have a valuable partner and
acting accordingly can help your partner feel more valued. In the lab study of
couples, we found that when people feel more grateful, they signal those
feelings to their partners through their behaviors. In the lab study of couples, participants who
were better listeners during those conversations in the lab had partners who
reported feeling more appreciated by them.
Partner feels appreciated -> Partner
more grateful
In our
research we find that an appreciated partner is a grateful partner. On days
when people report feeling more appreciated by their partners, they experience
increases in their own feelings of gratitude for their partners. And this makes sense - what partner is more
valuable than one who clearly values you?
And this is
where the benefits of gratitude really take off – going back to the initial
steps in this cycle, we remember that a grateful partner is a partner who will
think and act in ways that help him hold onto the relationship. Suddenly both
partners are focused on maintaining the relationship. In this way, that first
moment of gratitude can potentially become an ongoing cycle of gratitude and
generosity (until one of you is too tired, stressed, or anxious, but that is a
story for another essay).
It’s
important to say that gratitude isn’t always the answer—and it can sometimes
hurt you. Our research is focused on understanding what factors promote the
maintenance of healthy relationships that may be experiencing a bump in the
road. Gratitude is good if the relationship is good. There are, however, some
relationships that people should not be trying to hold onto, as when there is
physical or emotional abuse. Looking for moments of gratitude in unhealthy
relationships may encourage people to stay in relationships they should be
ending.
But for normal,
healthy, everyday dissatisfaction, this research suggests that you don’t have
to sit idly by and grow resentful when you are feeling neglected. Instead take
some time to reflect on your relationship and promote your own feelings of
gratitude. These feelings can help you focus on boosting your own positive
feelings about the relationship and down the line you may find yourself feeling
more appreciated in turn.
The Article:
Gordon AM, Impett EA, Kogan A, Oveis C, & Keltner D (2012). To have and to hold: gratitude promotes relationship maintenance in intimate bonds. Journal of personality and social psychology, 103 (2), 257-74 PMID: 22642482
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