So you've made the move |
Are you making the move to make
your partner happy and keep your relationship going, or to avoid having
conflict with your partner? Sacrifices made for approach-motivated reasons, such as making your partner happy, are
beneficial. People who sacrifice for these reasons are happier and have more
satisfying relationships. In contrast, sacrifices made for avoidance-motivated reasons, such as avoiding conflict, can be
detrimental. People who sacrifice for these reasons are less happy and have
less satisfying relationships. You might think, well I might feel bad, but at
least my partner will reap the benefits of my sacrifice. It turns out that is
not the case – when people believe their partners sacrificed for avoidance –motivated
reasons, they feel less satisfied with the relationship.
Although sacrificing to make a
partner happy can be a good thing, it may be trouble if you find yourself constantly
sacrificing out of a desire to be the “good” partner and make your partner
happy at the cost of your own happiness. People who are high in unmitigated communion prioritize other
needs above their own. While prioritizing someone else’s needs is the hallmark
of a close relationship, it can be costly for self-esteem and mental health if
it means neglecting your own needs.
Along similar lines, you should
ask yourself whether your sacrifice was motivated by a desire to help your
partner or if you did it so that you could hold the sacrifice over your partner’s
head. Genuinely helping is healthy, but using sacrifice as a bargaining chip in
your relationship may lead to resentment from your partner.
Sacrificing in order to ensure
that your partner owes you may likewise be problematic. Although there is
nothing wrong with negotiating with your
partner when deciding whether or not to sacrifice, choosing to make a sacrifice
and then silently expecting your partner to take the fall the next time may
mean disappointment for both of you. In close relationships, people typically
hold communal expectations – believing their partner will help them when they
need it and not expecting to be paid back in kind. In fact, people can actually
become upset when a close partner tries to pay them back as if they were a
stranger. So finding out that your partner sacrificed in order to ensure you
would make a sacrifice the next time may be a disheartening realization indeed.
What's your reason? |
Do you think it is okay to have expectations for your partner after you make a big sacrifice? Would you prefer your partner to sacrifice for avoidance-motivated reasons or not at all?
Further Reading:
Clark, M. S, & Mills, J. (1986). Keeping track of needs in communal and exchange relationships Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 51 (2), 333-338 DOI: 10.1037/0022-3514.51.2.333
I think this is really good blog post about sacrificing. And it can be example for positive and negatibe reinforcement.Positive reinforcement is sacrifice and move to make your partner happier,Increase sacrificing in the future because you are thinking about how to make your partner happier. Positive reinforcement involves a behavior that leads to a reinforcing or rewarding effect.
ReplyDeleteIn negative reinforcement people sacrifice and move to avoid a conflict , neagtive reinforcement also increase possibilities to sacrifice and move because they want to avoid a conflict between partner. Negative reinforcement involves behavior that leads to avoidance of or escape from an aversive or punishing event.
I could see how engaging in sacrifice for these different reasons could lead to different types of reinforcement, though I don't think there is any research on that. Interesting idea!
DeleteThanks for reading,
Amie
I usually feel like negative reinforcement proves difficult to explain. It's a stimulus that somehow activates a behavior, but in most cases a positive reinforcement appears less harmful. Can a person truly know the benefits of a positive reinforcement without prior exposure to it's counterpart? I do like your incorporation of the approach and avoid concept while relating it to sacrifices in an intimate relationship.
ReplyDelete