Your ex is your ex for a
reason. But he or she was also an important part of your life for a significant
amount of time, and it’s understandable to want to hold on to that relationship
in some capacity. Many former couples, whether they were dating partners or spouses, try to remain friends after a
break-up, and some are able to manage this transition successfully.
Research suggests, however,
that on average exes tend to have lower
quality friendships than platonic opposite sex friends who were
never romantically involved: they are less emotionally supportive, less
helpful, less trusting, and less concerned about the other person’s happiness.
This is especially true, not surprisingly, for former partners who were dissatisfied with the romantic relationship,
and when the break-up was not mutual.
The probability that a
friendship with an ex will be a positive rather than painful experience depends
in part on your motives, including the ones that you would rather not openly
acknowledge. Here are ten reasons that can get you into trouble.
#10: You have the same
friends.
Research suggests that if your friends and family want you to stay
friends, you are more likely to do so. But that doesn’t mean you have to.
Staying friends with your ex for the sake of social harmony is a noble goal,
but if it’s your only reason for maintaining the friendship, it can be
problematic. You have a right to spend time with your friends without your ex
present, and you also have a right to decline invitations to events that your
ex is also invited to. Even if you are okay running into your ex from time to
time, this doesn’t mean you need to be friends. It may be hard to see your ex
as just another acquaintance when you have so much history together, but over
time that history won’t be in the foreground anymore.
#9: You feel bad for them.
If you initiated the
break-up and your ex is not taking it well, the last thing you probably want to
do is hurt them even more by rejecting their friendship. But it’s not your
responsibility to nurse them through their heartache, and your support may
actually make them feel worse. Research suggests that people like to know that
support is available if they need it, but they do not like to feel needy.
In the moment your ex may crave your comfort, but at the end of the day your
support is unlikely to help them move on if they continue to feel dependent on
you. Instead of shouldering the burden yourself, make sure they are getting
support from other people in their life. And if you owe them an apology, give
them a genuine one, but don’t drag it out.
#8: You want to keep tabs
on them.
Even if you know that a
relationship wasn’t meant to be, it can still be painful to think of your ex
finding happiness with someone else. Staying friends may allow you to stay in
the loop about their dating life and even give you some influence over it, a
tempting prospect. But becoming your ex’s confidant may not benefit either of
you in the long run, especially if you have mixed feelings about their efforts
to move on. Even just remaining facebook friends can give you a window into
your ex’s life, for better or worse: in a Men’s Health survey of 3,000 people,
85% admitted to checking their ex’s facebook page, and 17%
said they check it once a week. Addictive as it may be, facebook “stalking” tends to
increase anxiety and jealousy. If you have trouble resisting it, you
may be better off de-friending your ex, both on and offline.
#7: You’re lonely.
When you go through a
break-up, it can feel like there’s a hole in your social life, and that hole
can take time to fill. In the meantime, if you’re feeling lonely on a Saturday
night, having your ex over for a movie and take-out might sound more appealing
than making the effort to go out and meet new people. But it can also lead you
onto the on-again/off-again relationship rollercoaster,
which research suggests is characterized by lower satisfaction, less love, more
uncertainty, and more communication problems. It’s understandable to miss the
intimacy of a romantic relationship, but putting yourself in the danger zone of
hooking up with an ex may not be worth the short-term comfort. When you’re
feeling lonely, turn to friends and family instead, and find ways to make the most of your alone time.
#6: You’re having “grass is
greener” syndrome.
If you’re not totally satisfied in a new relationship, research
suggests you may feel more interested in keeping up contacts with your ex. It’s
easy to romanticize the person you’re not with, since you’re not regularly
exposed to their irritating habits. But this way of thinking is a trap, because
if the grass always seems greener somewhere else, you’ll never be satisfied
wherever you are. If you’re unhappy in your current relationship, it’s worth
trying to address those feelings with your current partner rather than turning
to your ex for support or as an escape. Adding an ex to the mix when your
relationship is already in a complicated spot is only likely to complicate
things further.
#5: You hope that maybe
someday they will change.
Maybe you broke up because
your ex was unfaithful or had a drinking problem, but you’re holding out hope
that they will learn from their mistakes and eventually grow into the kind of
partner you want. By staying friends, you’re able to keep them in your life and
maybe even help them make changes. In some cases, hope for reconciliation can motivate people to
improve, but if your ex senses that it won’t be hard to win you back, they may
be more focused on trying to prove that they have changed than on making real
changes, and you may be setting yourself up for more disappointment.
#4: You want to keep them
on the back burner.
A more cynical version of #5
is the desire to keep your ex around just in case you can’t find someone
better. Needless to say, this approach is unfair to your ex, but it can hold
you back as well. As I wrote in a previous post, playing it safe is not always the best approach
when it comes to love. Sometimes you have to close one door, and close it
fully, if you want another door to open.
#3: They won’t take no for
an answer.
You might not want to stay
friends, but what if your ex does, and they won’t leave you alone? As stated in
#9, you have every right to say no to friendship. Make sure that you are direct
with your ex about your feelings, and don’t be afraid to get the police
involved if they push things too far. While a little facebook “stalking” may be
relatively harmless (aside from the damage to your self-esteem), true stalking
is scary and unacceptable. And it is surprisingly common. In one set of
studies, 40% of college students surveyed reported engaging in at
least one stalking behavior following a break-up, and approximately
10% engaged in six or more stalking behaviors. These behaviors included things
like contacting an ex after being told not to, or showing up at an ex’s
residence uninvited. Anger, jealousy, obsessiveness, and need for control all
predicted greater stalking behavior, so beware of these traits.
#2: They still love you.
If your ex is still in love
with you and you don’t feel the same way, the best thing you can do for them is
to let them go. Spending time with them might make you feel good about yourself
(who doesn’t enjoy being adored), but it could be very painful and confusing
for them, especially if it gives them false hope. Even if you make it clear
that you just want to be friends, it may not be clear to your ex. People see
what they want to see, and rest assured they will be on high alert for any sign
of returned affection. Your best bet in this situation is probably to minimize
contact and let your ex move on.
#1: You still love them.
Being in love with your ex
and secretly hoping to win them back can be a powerful reason for wanting to
stay friends with them, but it’s also unfortunately one of the most dangerous
ones. If your ex doesn't want to be with you, there is probably little you can
do to change their mind. Trying in vain will only lead to repeated heartbreak
and make you feel bad about yourself. Spend time with friends who make you feel
loved and appreciated. Your ex is probably not one of them.
Are there any good reasons
to stay friends with your ex? If neither of you has ulterior motives such as
the ones listed above, and if your friendship doesn’t interfere with your
current relationships (a good litmus test is whether you are comfortable
hanging out with your current partner and your ex together, and whether your
ex’s partner is comfortable with you), then it could very well work. Ulterior
motives can be sneaky, though--our minds have ways of disguising them as more
innocent aims. So make sure you are being honest with yourself about what your
true intentions are.
This post previously appeared on my Psychology Today blog, In Love and War.
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