When
we fail at something important to us, whether in relationships, at school,
or at work, it can be very painful. These experiences can threaten the
very core of who we think we are and who we want to be.
To cope
with failure, we often turn to self-protective strategies. We rationalize what
happened so that it places us in a more positive light, we blame other people,
and we discount the importance of the event. These strategies may make us
feel better about ourselves in the short term, but they are less likely to help
us improve or avoid repeating our mistakes in the future. Research shows that people who have an overly inflated view of their
performance on an academic task show decrements in subsequent motivation and
performance, compared to people who view themselves more realistically. It
makes sense: if you already think you're great, it may feel like there's no
need to put the effort into improving yourself.
Taking
an honest look at ourselves is, of course, easier said than done. Confronting
our inner demons can be overwhelming and lead to feelings of hopelessness and
despair. Determined to take responsibility, we may get carried away, blaming
ourselves for far more than our share and beating ourselves up emotionally.
Although many people believe that being hard on themselves will make them
better people, research does not support this belief:
self-criticism has been shown to increase procrastination
and rumination and impede goal progress. If you already feel worthless and
incompetent, you may feel like there's no point in even trying to do better
next time.
Whether
your M.O. is to build yourself up or put yourself down, it's all about
self-judgment. The focus is on, am I good person or a bad person? It's easy to
lose sight of questions that are more likely to get us somewhere, like how did
this happen, and how can I avoid letting it happen again? What does it take to
get out of the trap of self-judgment? Research from the field of social
psychology offers some useful perspectives.
1.
Criticize specific, changable behaviors, not global, unchangable attributes. Research on explanatory style shows that people who blame
negative events on all-encompassing, permanent aspects of themselves (e.g.,
"I'm just not an intelligent person") are more likely to become
depressed and suffer from health problems. Constructive self-criticism,
by contrast, involves a more optimistic explanatory style, with a focus on
specific and modifiable areas in need of improvement (e.g., "I stayed up
too late watching TV when I could have been studying; next time I could set a
TV limit for myself.").
2.
Criticize external circumstances, but then try to change them. Even in situations where we
are obviously to blame, there may be situational factors that push us in one
direction or another. For example, you stayed up late watching TV, but that's
partly because your roommates were also watching TV and it was hard to
concentrate on your work. Rather than use this as an excuse, however, you could
use it as a source of leverage. When you have an exam the next day, you now
know that studying at home may not be a good idea. One misconception about
social psychology is that it focuses so much on external influences on the self
that it denies individual responsibility. But awareness of the power of
situational factors like peer pressure can actually help us make better
decisions. If we believe we're invulnerable to external pressures, we are more
likely to be blindsided by them.
3.
Shift your focus from yourself to others. Instead of getting caught up in self-judgment, whether
positive or negative, it can be helpful to consider how your actions affect
other people. This broader focus can help reorient your attention to what
matters most to you—the people you're trying to help through your work, the
relationship you want to nurture—and encourage you to make amends that benefit
others. Research suggests that people who pursue
compassionate goals rather than self-image goals have less
conflict in their relationships, receive more support, and experience less loneliness. When
we're focused on protecting our own self-esteem,
other people may represent competition
or threats, and we may fail to recognize their needs.
4.
Practice self-compassionate self-criticism. Especially for people who are prone to shame,
self-compassion
can be exactly what is needed to make self-criticism bearable. Self-compassion
is like a parachute that allows you to glide safely down into the parts of
yourself you're afraid to look at. It won't let you get off easy, but it also
won't drop you down into the depths of despair. Self-compassion means saying,
yes, I messed up, but this doesn't make me a horrible person. This makes me a
person who has strengths and weaknesses and room to improve. In this atmosphere
of warmth, taking a closer look at those weaknesses is not as scary.
This post previously appeared here.
Reference:
hey nice post meh, You are one of the best writers I've seen of recent. I love your style of blogging here. this post reminds me of an equally interesting post that I read some time ago on Daniel Uyi's blog: Positive Thoughts .
ReplyDeletekeep up the good work friend. I will be back to read more of your posts.
Regards