Source |
Is it just a difference
of religiosity? My first thought
when stumbling upon this little statistic was, “That can’t be right! It must
just be due to religious differences.” People who are more religious are less
likely to engage in cohabitation and they also are less likely to divorce.
However, a review of the literature quickly dispelled this belief. Many studies
showed that even when taking into account religiosity, people who cohabitated
were more likely to divorce than those who didn’t cohabitate prior to marriage.
If it isn’t just a difference between those who are more or
less religious, than what else could driving this effect? The answer appears to
be commitment. Couples who are already engaged to be married
when they move in together do not experience the same detrimental effects as
those who become engaged after they cohabitate. They have better communication
skills, fewer negative interactions, higher relationship quality, and more
confidence in their marriage post-wedding.
So what is going on with those couples who cohabitate prior
to engagement? Rather than entering into cohabitation after having already decided
they want to spend their lives together, some of them are sliding into their marriages.
In other words, some couples who would not (and should not) have gotten
married otherwise do so because they were living together. Scholars term this “relationship
inertia.” Simply enough, it is harder to end a relationship when you are living
with your partner. The threat of having to separate belongings may be enough to
keep some couples together! Thus, some couples may find themselves on a path
toward marriage because it seems more palatable than the alternative.
Cohabitation also represents a potential “sunk cost.” Each additional investment
into the relationship makes it that much harder to end the relationship. People
may have a harder time cutting their losses when they think about all the time,
energy, and money they put into the relationship, even cutting their losses
will save them more heartache in the future.
Couples who live together are also more likely to spend time
together, giving them less opportunity
to meet other potential partners. This effectively cuts down on the
possibility that one or both partners will find someone else they are more
compatible with.
Gender also plays a
role. Women are more likely to see cohabitation as a pre-cursor to
marriage, where men who cohabitate prior to engagement are less likely to have
this long-term view of cohabitation and are less dedicated to their partners. Women
may eventually propel their less-dedicated partners into rockier marriages.
The bottom line: Premarital
cohabitation is thought to be a practical and smart choice for a majority of
people today. In one survey 61% of young adults reported that pre-marital
cohabitation improves a person’s chance at marriage (Kline, et al. 2002). Given
this positive view of cohabitation, and the vast number of couples who choose
to cohabitate, is there a way to avoid
the costs of cohabitation? Every relationship is different, but this vast
literature seems to boil down into a clear suggestion – don’t cohabitate until
you and your partner are both sure that you are invested in the future of the relationship.
If you do choose to cohabitate as a “trial marriage,” keep checking in with
each other about your feelings towards the relationship and your long term
goals and put contingency plans in place for getting out of the relationship if
it isn’t right for you – don’t simply slide
into a marriage you aren’t sure about because it seems like the time is right.
Selected Articles:
Kline, G. H., Stanley, S. M., Markman, H. J., Olmos-Gallo, P. A., St. Peters, M., Whitton, S. W., & Prado, L. (2004). Timing is everything: Pre-engagement cohabitation and increased risk for poor marital outcomes. Journal of Family Psychology, 18, 311–318.
Thank you for this post, I really enjoyed reading it! My partner and I are together for 10 years, we have to kids and we do not intend to get married - mostly because we are not religious and in Portugal, where we're from, a common-law marriage is basically the same as a real marriage, for legal and tax purposes...
ReplyDeleteInterestingly (but perhaps not that surprisingly?) there is no "cohabitation effect" in countries such as Portugal where cohabitation is a socially acceptable alternative to marriage and there are laws in place that acknowledge it!
DeleteThanks for reading,
Amie